i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
