i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
