i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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