What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize