Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
