Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
