So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
