We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
