You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
