I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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