im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
