If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
