I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
