I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
