I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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