life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize