so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
