He asked to "fluff my boner.."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
