My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
