is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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