I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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