I looked at my own cervix.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
