those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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