Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
His nipple licking is glorious
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