Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
