i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
