Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize