my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
