It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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