well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
