Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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