dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cannot find my penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
