Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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