WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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