I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
