My Higher Power is John Stamos
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
