Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
