Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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