Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
