when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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