I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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