You're a womanizer and a bitch.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
