You really coming over, don't trick.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
