She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
