Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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