just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
