I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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