so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
