mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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