I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize