just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
