why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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