Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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