yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
