If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
