Me too!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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