dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
