Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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