I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
