wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
