I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
